Much can be done to help children of alcoholics

Alcoholism in the home has long-lasting effects. Children of alcoholics often learn to cope with an unhappy childhood in ways that cause problems for them later in life. Learning about how alcoholism affected your past can help you build a better future.

Children of alcoholics often act in one of the following ways:

* They become super-responsible, like a miniature adult.

* They become a trouble maker.

* They become able to adjust to any change, without noise or fuss.

* They become a family clown or peacemaker, smoothing over troubles.

Children of alcoholics often believe they are all alone, that no other families have these problems or that it is up to them to cure the parent. A child may take the blame for a parent's alcoholism — or the parent may blame the child.

As a result, many children of alcoholics not only feel unloved, but unlovable. Some of them suffer physical or sexual abuse, which reinforces this feeling. And because life at home is full of disappointments, broken promises and lies, the child learns not to trust, not to get too close to anyone and not to communicate in healthy ways.

Adult children of alcoholics often retain their childhood patterns. The super-responsible child may grow into an adult who demands perfectionism. The child who is the family's scapegoat may have legal or financial troubles throughout life. The child who used to adjust to anything may be passive and withdrawn as an adult. And the family clown may grow up to be entertaining, but irresponsible.

An adult child of an alcoholic may be anxious, may try to control events and relationships, may have trouble being intimate, may be chronically depressed or have stress-related health problems.

Tragically, many children of alcoholics either become chemically dependent themselves or marry alcoholics.

If you know a child living in an alcoholic home, try these things:

* Gently encourage the child to talk about life and listen to what they say.

* Invite the child to an outing or offer a quiet place to do homework.

* Encourage the child to think of people who would be understanding and helpful in hard times — perhaps a teacher, friend, relative or neighbor.

* If the parent drinks and drives, give the child your phone number and offer to come pick him/her up.

* Suggest resources for the child, such as Alateen.

* Tell the child that he or she cannot cause, control or cure the parent's drinking.

* Tell the child that alcoholism is a disease and it's OK to love the parent but hate the disease.

Finally, if yougrew up with an alcoholic parent, find out more about alcoholism and its effects on family members of alcoholics.

Talk about your feelings and experiences with friends, relatives, people in 12-step programs, health professionals.

Remember you didn't cause your parent's drinking and no one but the parent had any chance of controlling or curing it.

source: Great Falls Tribune

Translating Steps 6-12 of Alanon

Alanon members say they get a lot out of working the steps of the program which are pretty much the same for Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) only they apply the principles to how alcoholism affects their own lives.

• Step 6 states "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." This is about not imposing one's will on others. For Alanons, this means relinquishing control freak behaviors over the alcoholic. (Source: Southwest Group). Your entire focus and obsession throughout the day is no longer on the alcoholic and you can actually have a conversation with friends without it being about "what he did today to me."



• Step 7 says "Humbly asked Him to Remove Our Shortcomings." Alanon also has a workbook that goes into extensive detail regarding working the steps of the program. Some say it is in this step that Alanon members get some kind of peace and it is a relief to "not be trying to run the world in our household." In Alanon the name of the game is detachment as you will notice on any online support groups you find for the program.



• Step 8 reads "Made a List of All Persons We Had Harmed and Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All." Many Alanon members are surprised to learn that the first person on their list is the alcoholic, according to alcoholism.about.com. Anger is common for Alanons who are typically referred to by old-timers in Alanon as "untreated Alanons." What that term means is that this is a person who has not worked the steps of Alanon and can only talk about the problems instead of the solution.



• Step 9 reveals "Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible Except When to Do So Would Injure Them or Others." One Alanon member writes that this step is a "Put your money where your mouth is step" with no expectations. It has been said that living with an alcoholic is like living in a "half-world" and you can't count on anything.



• In Step 10 you "Continued to Take Personal Inventory and When You Were Wrong, Promptly Admitted It." Newcomers in Alanon typically see themselves as saints at first before ever getting a sponsor, attending their first meeting, or doing an inventory, according to a few Alanon members. But as they grow they begin to see "where they themselves start the ball rolling." Some people just coming to Alanon might say that their husband just smokes pot, nothing major and that it never bothered them until recently. Some might say this is "hitting a bottom in Alanon" when you realize that you need help dealing with your emotions surrounding your spouse's addiction.



• Step 11 says "Sought Through Prayer and Meditation to Improve Our Conscious Contact with God as We Understood Him, Praying Only for Knowledge of His Will for Us and the Power to Carry That Out." What this means is you discover the plan your Higher Power has for you. A lot of times the recovering alcoholic is in denial about what went on when she drank - what it did to her family, kids, husband; etc.



• Lastly, in Step 12 Alanon members "Having had a Spiritual Awakening as the Result of These Steps, We Tried to Carry the Message to Others and to Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs." This is the only step of Steps 1-12 of Alanon where the wording is different than AA. In AA the word "others" is substituted for "the alcoholic who still suffers" in Step 12.

All of the steps of Alanon result in a changed attitude toward the alcoholic. You see him or her as a sick person on an emotional level, not just an intellectual one.

source: Associated Content

A Day in Al-Anon: Love, Light, Laughter

Family and friends suffer when a loved one has a drinking problem. Al-Anon provides support, help and hope for those families and friends. The Al-Anon Fellowship of Lake and Mendocino counties invites the community to join them for a one-day event to provide public information, attend workshops and gather for fellowship and support. This year's free Day in Al-Anon: Love, Light, Laughter! Will be held from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the Ukiah Presbyterian Church on the corner of Perkins and Dora Street.

Al-Anon invites anyone trouble by someone's drinking to drop by and find out how Al-Anon can help them, says Willits Al-Anon representative Jane G. For anyone wondering whether they would benefit from attending the daylong event should call Jane G. at 459-4436.

The 20-questions in the Are You Troubled By Someone's Drinking are one way to help people determine whether Al-Anon can help them. Al-Anon is a support group for those dealing with a person with a drinking problem. The meetings are strictly confidential; members never reveal who was at the meeting or what was said. There is no pressure to speak and while it is a spiritual fellowship, it is not a religious one.

"Alcoholics and alcohol abusers attract more public attention, but their families and friends also suffer long-term effects from alcoholism and their recovery may be essential to the alcoholic's recovery," according to Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D a leading researcher in the field. "Alcoholism is a family disease. While it is important for the family to support the alcoholic's recovery, it is also important for members of the family to get involved in their own recovery. Family recovery decreases the chances that the children of alcoholics will repeat the pattern and engage in unhealthy relationships," says Ackerman.

While anyone can attend any of the weekly Wednesday and Saturday Al-Anon meetings in Willits, most newcomers to Al-Anon speak of fear associated with attending that first meeting. A Day in Al-Anon is a way for the public to get information, speak with volunteers and explore whether they are ready for Al-Anon to help them. A special workshop is planned for those new to Al-Anon.

"It's a program for sanity, clarity and understanding," Jane G. says. "We learn the difference between my business and somebody else's problem. As much as we love them, we can't change anybody but ourselves. We learn to detach ourselves with love.

Failure to resolve the issues of living with, or having lived with, an alcoholic perpetuates the disease," Jane G. explains. "Seventy-five percent of the children of alcoholics will become one or marry one."

And the pattern of alcoholism and enabling continues:

"If it's a man (who's alcoholic) the wife makes excuses at work; picks him up and puts him to bed. Enabling. The more we do that, the longer before he has to face the consequences of his own actions. We need that energy to help ourselves.

Helping yourself through the Al-Anon program is not a cure," Jane G. says, "but a slow recovery with the help of peers, rather than paid counselors or therapists. Sometimes you get more from peers with the same problem than from a professional.

The alternative to recovery," she says, "is becoming martyred and resentful of the alcoholic in your life."

Jane G. invites anyone interested in learning more about Al-Anon to contact her at 459-4436 or drop in on Saturday's Day in Al-Anon and take the first step toward recovery.

source: The Willits News

D.J.'s Recovery Story

'I Am Not an Alcoholic!'

There is a saying around the rooms of recovery that some alcoholics never find help "in this lifetime." In other words, they never get to the point of reaching out for help and they continue drinking all the way to the grave, all the while denying they have a problem.

For friends and family members, watching someone drink themselves to death is a lonely, frustrating and devastating experience, as D.J. describes below in this painful tale of his mother's final days.

D.J.'s Recovery Story
On the night before Christmas there was great sorrow in my home. My mother passed away at the age of 60. She didn't have cancer. No heart attack. She didn't get in a bad car accident nor was she shot. There were no heroics that put her in harm's way nor was there someone else's wrong-doing that brought her to her demise.

In her eyes, her life became of less value as she grew older.

Her children moved away and she didn't see her grandchildren as much as she had liked. She did have a loving husband, but it wasn't enough to give her a sense of worth. She became very depressed.

A Friend Who Lied to Her
She made a friend that would help her through these times. This friend took advantage of her and lied to her. He made her believe that he was the only thing that mattered. He made her believe that her life was worthless without him. He told her that I was a bad son and told her to cut me out of her life. He told her to cut her only sister out of her life and the majority of her friends. He told her to lie to her husband in order to continue their relationship. He made her desperate for him.

This so-called friend was alcohol.

20 Days Comatose
On Thanksgiving night, my mother ate her final meal and drank vodka at a constant pace until December 4 when the people who loved her most found her to be in a grave state and called 911.

She spent 20 days in the hospital. She spent most of those days comatose. When she was awake she would ask people to bring her just a little vodka to take the edge off. I saw her on December 15 which was her 60th birthday. Instead of cake and presents she got a feeding tube from the doctor and some flowers from a son who she wasn't speaking to her because he asked her to stop drinking.

Instead of running to the store to buy her a last minute gift, on December 23, my father, my sister and I were faced with the decision to give her death with some morphine to help ease the pain. We were not offered anything for our pain. Instead, while visions of sugar plums danced in many heads around the world, we juggled broken hearts, planned services, and tried to stay strong for our children.

Alcoholism Can Destroy a Family
My mother was an amazing person at one time. She taught me that anything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability. She taught me how to play cribbage and she taught me how to make a great spaghetti sauce.

She also taught me how alcoholism can destroy a family.

Addiction Will Lie to Them
My mom is survived by her husband of 33 years, a son, a daughter, three step-daughters, and eight grandchildren that have a 40 percent chance of becoming alcoholics as well.

If you have someone that you love in your life that is struggling with some kind of addiction or depression, urge them to get help before it's too late. In the long run, they can only help themselves, but if we don't show them where their life is heading, their addictions will lie to them and tell them they are fine.

One of my mother's final words were. "I am not an alcoholic."

-- D.J.

Support for Families
Sometimes family members cannot do anything to help the alcoholic in their lives, but they can get help and support for themselves. Living with an alcoholic can deeply affect others in the family in ways they may not even recognize. Learning as much as possible about alcoholism and how it can affect the entire family can help.

source: about.com

Al-Anon can help you cope with alcoholics in your life

Margie and her husband go to one of those churches that frown on drinking, but her husband of 30 years drinks anyway.

Margie had an alcoholic father, an alcoholic uncle and an alcoholic brother. Her husband is an alcoholic. “I’ve had it all my life and I’m tired of dealing with it. I am a Christian and I always felt that with the Lord’s help, I could do this.”

But she can’t talk to her church friends about her husband’s drinking. They don’t know he drinks. “My husband is a closet alcoholic,” Margie said. “He doesn’t drink in bars. He doesn’t drink where anyone can see him. He drinks at home, but not when I’m there.”

Margie works a professional job. Her husband, now retired, is a functioning alcoholic, she said. Trouble is, he becomes unpleasant and verbally abusive to her when he drinks.

“You never know when you come home what you’re going to find,” she said, adding that her husband isn’t physically abusive. “Just nasty things coming out of his mouth, not cussing, but mean things.”

In August, a friend took Margie to Al-Anon, a 12-step program for people who have a loved one who abuses alcohol or drugs or has an eating disorder. The friend’s parents were alcoholic and she had gone until they died. For years, she encouraged Margie to go.

“You get wisdom from people who have gone through this,” Margie said. “Last night we talked about trying to find the blessings in other situations and not to concentrate on the alcoholic.”

The week before, people had talked about the three C’s: “You can’t cure it, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it.” She added another three. “But with Christ, you can cope and have compassion.”

She has more peace now. She hopes her husband won’t drink so much, but he won’t have the excuse anymore that she is nagging him. “Now he doesn’t get the harassment from me. I have learned that this isn’t the way to handle it.”

Dan’s prodigal son

Dan has a son who first used alcohol and drugs at 14, attempted suicide at 18 and failed three times in rehab before finding success at a Hazelden residential rehab center in Minnesota. He stayed in residency beyond the initial rehab period, then stepped down to a halfway house, a three-quarter house and then independent living. He has been sober now eight years.

Dan, a minister, has been going to Al-Anon for eight years. Before that, his wife, a college teacher, went by herself. “I believed it was all our son’s issues. He was the drug addict and the alcohol abuser. What I found when I got to Al-Anon was that people who live around these people learn coping mechanisms.”

He had thought he could control his son’s behavior. He learned to accept that he couldn’t.

Dan and his wife go to meetings together now. Their son lives in Minnesota. Does the son attend meetings there? “I don’t know that I can answer that,” Dan said. “It’s one of those things I don’t ask about. All I know is he is clean and he manages his affairs.

“Al-Anon has helped me learn something about boundaries,” he added.

Charlene: Save thyself

Charlene’s son is an alcoholic and her husband was an alcoholic.

She and her husband were living separately when he died of his disease, Charlene said. “We were still married. I never gave up the hope he would get better. In fact, we were better friends when he was away because I didn’t get involved with everything and I wasn’t as affected. I had my own income, my own place to live and my life wasn’t as upside down anymore.”

Charlene, now in her mid-50s, stayed with her husband 10 years after she first attended an Al-Anon meeting in 1990. “His disease progressed and my situation became more tolerable because I made decisions that were right for me — with the help of Al-Anon.

“Before that I felt I was living in a cage of my own. I didn’t do anything without his approval, without his doing it with me.”

That didn’t happen often. “He was out doing his drinking and drugging while I was sitting at home worrying about where he was. I didn’t realize I alone had the key to that cage.”

When she moved out, the business she helped her husband run collapsed. She declared bankruptcy. The business was in her name.

She and her husband went to church together until his drinking and drugging got the better of him. They had Jet Skis and four-wheelers. “They’re toys,” she said. “They’re supposed to make you happy.”

Now, she has a good job and her own home. She no longer goes to church. “Al-Anon is a very spiritual program and it has brought me in touch with a higher power in a very different way, a more personal way.”

source: By Bob Schwarz
Staff writer
Sunday Gazette-Mail